Lily Evans, The useless secret keeper
by Moonstone
Summary: I’m rubbish at keeping secrets.I will never get the job of a secretkeeper.I'd go run to the enemy and tell them the whole truth.'As James walks in,Lily realises that his smile and laugh and hair are just too much for her to keep that BIG secret!


I watch as he comes intoour Common Room. And as usual I feel the need to take deeper breaths as my heart reacted to his entrance as if I had run the marathon.

It is silly really.

I have spent three years hating him. I cut him down from his humongous ego-size to something that would fit snugly into the grip of my Nike trainer. I would shout so many insults at him to an extent where I became sure I had used at least three of them more than once.

Iwould paid back the embarrassment he had caused me with as much enthusiasm as he had done to me; with interest…though I distinctly remember not breaking a single school rule. Apart from that time in the end of our 4th year, when I completely lost it and flung his Quidditch broom out of the window and levitated it to the Whomping Willow. I got a detention for that one. Eeeuuuck...cleaning the toilets. It was just his bloody broom. He could always buy another!

In my defence he deserved it. He had turned my dinner pumpkin soup into a bowl of chocolate sauce, just because I mentioned I liked chocolate that day. And even then he had grinned his usual annoying toothy grin and had asked me out.

That was what he did, from the very beginning. Him and his friends would be forever playing pranks on innocents like Snivellius or me. I find that name rather suiting, even if I used to tell him and his friends to stop calling Snivellius Snivellius. For some reason I actually thought Severus Snape better suited that sick oily jerk back then.

I always used to scream at him and yell at him, calling him a pompous prat, or a bigheaded prick, or a guy with no balls…whatever came to mind.

But I distinctly remember sneaking that bowl of chocolate sauce into my room and enjoying it tremendously that night.I even took a fancy to the message that he had planted with smarties.

_JP+LE♥_

That night I had to obliviate my best friends memory though,because she had caught me admiring his little message, with chocolate sauce dripping down my chin. It was a necessary measure to be taken.

She would have gone and told him and things would have gotten…sticky. I remember how she'd always be after me to give him a chance. She'd always try and make him look good. She'd say he looked… 'Dashingly handsome' even if he was hung upside down on the Whomping willow without any clothes on except his boxers.

Wait…that actually happened. Sirius did that because I asked him to and gave him my month's supply of chocolate frogs.

They loved pranking that group did. The Mauradaurs. **(Sorr if it's spelt wrong)**

Though come to think of it right now I would have to agree with my friend. Even if he were hanging off that flaming tree almost arse-naked I'd still be swooning over him...

It soon became frenzy in the school. James Potter and Lily Evans news was everywhere. Rumours started to fly. Some as ridiculous as I had broom cupboard incident with him on Valentines Day and was caught by out DADA teacher, who apparently received some 'sugar' off me as well to get us out.

But Valentina Bulstrode stirred up that rumour. She hated me because James loved me.

Yes I have come to accept the fact that he does…or did. Right now I'm not so sure, even if Melanie says he does. If he did why do his actions say otherwise?

Of course every year would be the same. He was my sworn enemy. I was his sworn one true love. I would shove him off, preferably into the lake, and he'd come running right back, treating me like a queen...minus the pranks and constant annoyance.

I used to wonder to myself how much it would take to break this guy. I would ponder and ponder to the stage where I would sometimes dream about possible methods. I know, creepy. But he was just too much for me.

But then Remus came up to me when I was studying and offered me an invisible ride at the end of last year, just before the End of Year Feast. We both trudged over to the library…well I trudged…I had a feeling what this was about…James Potter.

He took me to the back of the library where I usually sit. It's really cool because no one can see you and you can do your own bit of research.

Everyone knew it was my seat…yet there he sat just staring at the desk, with his little piggy owl perched on his shoulder.

Even then I had to admit he looked absolutely adorable just staring at that desk, practically melting it under his gaze. Then I heard him talk.

"_Peggy what do I do?" he was muttering to his owl, "I can't get my mind off her. She thinks I'm enjoying it but I'm not. I have to wake up every day, with her on my mind yet knowing I'll never get anything but a scowl. I love her smile but I can only see it when she's not looking at me. And when she does and sees me looking she calls me a stalker. It really hurts. I don't know what the pain is really. I've never felt it before but it hurts. I used to love watch her hair bounce in the wind and her green eyes sparkle. I still do. But man does it hurt._

_Sirius still takes the mick of it all. He thinks I'm still joking around. How can I expect her to believe that I'm not joking when my own best mate doesn't?"_

He had sighed and looked straight me, even though he couldn't see me through the invisibility cloak. His eyes were dazed but it felt like he was looking straight into mine.

"_I wish she'd believe me," he said as he continued to stare, "I wish she'd believe I'm not just some wanker trying to get off with her. Peggy you know what she thinks?" he turned to the owl, "she thinks that I'm a player. And that I'm going around the entire female population of Hogwarts, shagging them, then dumping them. She just doesn't' get it does she?"_

_The owl gave a hoot of agreement._

"_Well I guess from a person who hates you guts, it does look like that doesn't it?" he shrugged and sighed, "but I wish she'd just stop hating me for one second and see that the only real reason I'm doing it because I'm desperate. I really want to stop liking her. But she just won't go away. None of the girls match up to her Pegs. She's pretty. None of the girls have that fantastic hair. Or her amazing eyes. I wish I could look into her eyes for like…ever Pegs…they're like so…deep. But the only chance I get is when she's screaming at me. But even then…I can't stop thinking she's beautiful._

_She does that cute thing when she's reading you know…or studying. She twitches her mouth and nose like in Bewitched. But she looks much better. Her nose is well cute too. And her lips…actually Peggy…her lips aren't cute…they're evil…they're so evil because all I want to do is kiss them. They're evil like she is. Every bit of her. Don't you agree Pegs?"  
The owl gave a feeble hoot. I had to suppress a snort._

"_Every bit. From her fantastic red hair that I'm just dying to touch, to her amazing deep green eyes, which I wanna stare into till I die…even when she's sleeping I wanna make her be awake just so I can look into them. Oh don't forget her body. Man she's fit isn't she Pegs? In a really pretty way. Her nose is evil too Pegs. Remember that. Oh and her hands and her smile and her teeth and her…"_

_I didn't hear much more because Remus pulled me away. _

"_He's broken Lily," was all he said before handing me the invisibility cloak and going back into the library, "you broke him."_

I didn't understand why Remus had shown me this or whyI didn't feel happy. I had broken the all time famous James Michael Potter hadn't I? Somehow I couldnt' hear the triumphant trumpet.

"_Did you know she has 19 freckles Pegs?" I heard him say before I left, "Yeah…I counted that time when she fell unconscious after I saved her from drowning in the lake…Remus…hey…"_

Yes he has saved me from drowning. I had gotten so angry with him that I started stomping out on the pier that was on the far end. The pier broke and I fell straight in. Him being a hero and all jumped right in and saved me. Even if it was a bit late.

I couldn't believe he had actually counted my freckles. I still don't. But he's right. I do have 19 stupid freckles. They make me look babyish.

I remember promising myself, after I had gotten over the shock, that I would be nicer to him. I was all set to go right up to him and call a truce.  
But then that got thrown out of the window when he entered, all cocky and happy and asked me out…yet again.

I was so rude when I hissed my insulting and gut-wrenching rejection at him that even I regretted it when I saw his face fall into an expression of hurt. I had broken his heart again.

But when I looked over at Remus, he shook his head at me and then I knew I was terribly wrong. The acts like that, which James Potter put on, were only to mask what I had seen in the library.

It made me wonder how something so small could alter my view of him completely.

Leading me to apologise to him about 15 minutes before we finished the feast. An apology, which he gratefully accepted.

Then after that it came to the stage where I went into denial. When I came back this year everything was different. He became Head Boy. That meant a lot of cooperation. I expected sharing a dorm and Head duties with him to be sodding hell. But on the contrary.

He hasn't asked me out once and he was as kind and as friendly as Remus. He's been polite and caring and soon I found that I was the one causing all the arguments, and he was the one who was quick to fix them. At first I worried that I was going through EXTREMELY early menopause, but then I realised that I was only acting that way because I didn't know any way else. I was so used to screaming and shouting at him that I never really thought about how it would be like to be civil, or even friendly with James Potter

And that's what we became. We became friends and companions, even though my heart begged for more.

I'll never forget how he stayed with me the entire night, just hugging me and soothing me when I found out that my father had died of pneumonia.

He had calmed me down so much that I fell asleep right in his arms on the couch. When I woke up I found myself still in his arms, with his head on mine, with him sound asleep.

That was the first morning I slept in.

I never got around to actually working though the denial until Christmas. I kept telling myself that I didn't like him and that I hadn't fallen for him. We were just friends.

But then stupid Christmas brought everything crumbling down.

We were celebrating with all of our friends in our dorm when we decided to go get the presents.

Both of us walked up the stairwell together laughing when suddenly Sirius stopped us.

"_Hey! Stop there Prongs and Evans."_

_We both turned around completely confused._

"_You don't know where you're standing do you?" Sirius asked. We shook our heads. The clock struck midnight._

"_Ooh look at that," he said grinning manically, "All mistletoe's now reach into their spell. Making it impossible for their two blessed ones to move unless they kiss."  
_

My eyes widened and I glanced up. Sure enough was a small pretty branch of mistletoe. I looked back down to James and gulped. He shook his head smiled his warm smile. The one that made me weak in the knees again.

_"Sirius is probably lying," he said._

We did try. I began walking away but I was bounced straight back onto James, who caught me. We were stuck.

_"Don't worry," he said, "just a peck on the cheek."_

"_No Prongs," said Sirius still grinning, "thisbranchismine. I made it. You gotta go full lip on lip, snogging."_

I gasped. I couldn't handle it. It would bring the fantastic walls of denial smashing straight down

"_It's OURS Paddy," said James folding his arms, "I've made some too. This ones not a snogger."_

"_Snogger?" I winced. James grinned at me._

"_Don't worry, it's NOT," he emphasized._

I remember how we had stared at each other for a few seconds, not sure what to do.

"_Well hurry up then!" Melanie had decided to call, making matters worse, "I want my presents!"_

_WE both started jabbering and mumbling, very flustered when James finally put a finger onto my lips as he shut up too._

"_Don't worry," he had said, "Sirius is dead!"_

I smiled nervously and then before I knew it he was right up in front of me. I was breathing so hard and fast I was sure he would notice.

He put his hand on my face and cupped my cheek. Slowly he tilted my head slightly towards him as he leaned him. The last thing I saw before his kiss took over was that reassuring looking in his eyes. Then I felt his lips against mine.

I expected only a small peck and then we'd be done. Just a small taste of what I was missing. But instead he lingered on, keeping that wonderful bliss that he ignited when we made contact.

I was too surprised and dazed to respond at first. But as soon as I felt him pull away I kissed him right back, making him stay.

I felt like me and the ground wer flying in diferent directions. It was the sweetest and most touching kiss I'd ever experienced.

It was perfect.

It was perfect the way his hand rested on my hip. It was perfect the way he held my face. And then it became perfect, the way my arms snaked around his neck and ran through his hair. And it was perfect his arms wrapped around my waist and held my there. His lips were perfect and I never wanted him to stop.

My mind was completly off track and I hadn't realised how close I was holding him or how close he was holding me. All that mattered was we stayed that way with our lips even closer.

Even though we knew we were holding on too long we never did let go until we heard the smash of a butter beer mug. Slowly we pulled away and looked at each other, still in each other's arms.

It was absolutely fantastic. As I looked into his eyes I felt even more fulfilled, which I thought was impossible after that kiss. His hazel eyes were so alive and alight I felt like I could dance in them, along with the specks of gold that danced in them. The way he looked at me was the the way I had seen so many times before, except stronger and more alive and this time I had actually bothered to care.

But then somebody cleared their throat and we had hastily pulled away. When we looked, Melanie was staring, open-mouthed at us, her hand empty and a smashed butter beer cup on the floor next to her feet.

Sirius was grinning at us like a madman. But what caught my eye was Remus, who was smiling knowingly at us. He winked.

After that I don't know what happened but I couldn't deny it anymore. I knew I had fallen for James Potter. He was everywhere. In my dreams, saving me from my nightmares, in my thoughts, in my tears…just everything.

I couldn't stop it.

I soon became crazy. I hexed the girl who was flirting with him in DADA and cursed the floozy who was snogging him under the tree. Those are the two I remember. Melanie had noticed and had told me. I denied. She laughed.

I couldn't control it and it felt like I was going to explode. Was this how he had felt? Maybe I'd get over it like he did.

Yes, I am sure thathe has gotten over me. He's never once asked me out or even flirted excessively. I have myself to blame. I've driven him off. I just wish I had come into the light sooner.

NO! I wish he never existed! It's his entire fault! If he wasn't so gorgeous and funny and smart and kind and so damn sodding bleeding perfect...yeah...if he wasn't perfect...none of this would've happened.

There I go rambling like he did that day in the library.

"Hey Lily," he says as he walks in and I'm melting. How stupid. His windswept hair looks as fantastic as ever and I just want run my hands through it once more. He's taking off his Quidditch jumper to reveal a t-shirt underneath.

Oh god! It shows off he fantastic chest and muscles. Quidditch does the work.

I look from his adorable bespectacled face down to his broad shoulders and wonderfully toned chest and blush as I wish I was up close to them, being the one protected by them, being able to touch them without shame.

"Something the matter Lily?" he asks walking over.

NO don't walk over here. I think I'm going to faint.  
He comes and sits next to me smiling gently. How I love that smile. Running his hand through his hair he places a hand on my shoulder and I turn around and smile at him.

"Nothing's wrong," I say back, "I'm just stressed from the N.E.W.T.S. I guess."

He raises and eyebrow. His face looks so fantastic with the fire blazing in the background.

"We didn't get any assignments today," he says laughing slightly, "It's a Saturday."  
I roll my eyes.

"There is such a thing as STUDYING, James Potter," I say smiling again. He can always make me smile.

He laughs. What a great laugh.

"Well Miss Lily Evans," he says, "I know that. But I also know the term called…taking a break."

I smile but then look back at my hands, getting lost in my thoughts. Maybe today he'll come around?

"Lily are you ok?" he asks. I nod, not looking up.

I wish that he will protest but he doesn't. Instead he stands up and begins to leave.

"Well I'm going to sleep," he says as he walks away, "got a date with Jamile tomorrow. You sure you're alright?"

I don't answer. He tries again.

"Nothing you want to talk about?"

I'm rubbish at keeping secrets. If somebody asks me I just spill it out. That's how Melanie figured it out. I will never ever get the job of a secret-keeper. I'd go right up to the enemy and tell them the whole truth. James and Sirius are more suited.

He asks the same again, and then shrugs and leaves.

I can't hold it anymore.

"James!" I call, just as he opens his room door. He turns around.

"There is something," I finish. He comes over looking confused as I stand up.

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I mean how the bloody hell are you supposed to tell someone whom you've shot down that you've now gone and fallen in love with them? Especially when they've finally moved on.

"Lily?" I love the way my name sounds when he says it.

I decide to go through with it. I couldn't hold it anymore. Secrets are well heavy.

"You've changed this year," I say looking away from his eyes, "You've really changed."

He looks at me, slightly bewildered.

"I was so ready to come back this year, to a year where you were just going to annoy me and keep asking me out and whatever…" I'm choking, "but you didn't. You grew up. You were the perfect friend. You stuck by me even when I was the one totally trying to start arguments. You made me laugh and you made me see things in such ways I couldn't ever before. You were…you are the perfect friend."

And now it comes.

"But…but…I don't want that anymore," I'm tearing up, "I don't want you to be my friend. I don't want to have to laugh at your jokes yet know that they would be much funnier if we were more. I don't want to have to watch you go out with other girls. I don't want you to be the perfect friend…anymore James. I want you to be more…"

It's hard to breathe. Am I dying? Is this it?

"So much more," I whisper, "why did you have to stop asking me out? Why did you stop? Why did you give up on me now of all times? Why did I fall for you now of all times?"

I'm rambling.

There's silence. Complete silence. Well what else was I expecting genius?

I take another breath.

"I know it wasn't supposed to happen," I continue, this time braver, "I know that you've moved on. And I know I don't even deserve the time of day, notafter what we've been through, what I've put you through.But I just had to get it out. I just had to tell you. I've fallen in love with you, James."

If it was in a movie I would have laughed my arse off. But now I actually see why they start crying.

I look up into his eyes and see complete shock and surprise. Well there you go. Now I've got to leave.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and then begin to walk away.

Something grabs my arm and stops me. It's James.

He's looking at me in a way I've never seen before. I can't describe it. He pulls me in a bit closer, so that we're only about 4 inches away, but doesn't let go of his soft and calming grip on my arm.

"Lily," he whispers, now stroking my arm, "Lily. Lily, Lily."

I love the way he says my name.

It seems like he can't say anything else. He's looking deep into my eyes and soul as he repeats my name over and over, while he strokes my arm gently.

"Why didn't you tell me all this before?" asks, his voice still soft as his hand drops down to mine and he gently caresses my fingers and wrists, sending goose bumps up my spine.

I contemplate on whether to tell him the truth. I decide I might as well, I've already told him everything else.

"Because I thought you were over me," I begin, not noticing that he's inching closer due to my rambling, "I didn't want to get in your way. You were such a good friend and always kind to me and I didn't expect anything but a laugh from you if I told you, seeing as the way I treated you before," I decide to add an afterthought, still not seeing are small proximity shrinking more, "and it was embarrassing because I've fallen in love with you just when you stopped loving me. It is embarrassing and I don't have to guts to…"

But before I can finish his hand is on my face and his lips are on mine as he pulls me in closer. Once again I lose my line of thought and direction and I'm kissing him right back. But somehow I know this time when we pull away (god forbid!) I won't be embarrassed.

He pulls away almost immediately though and looks into my eyes, smiling slightly. I feel like crying and screaming with happiness at the same time. My insides feel like they're going to explode with emotions. I look away.

He gently wipes a small tear that manages to escape my eye off my cheek. Gently stroking my cheek he makes me look up into his gentle smiling eyes.

"I never stopped loving you," he whispers softly before he kisses my forehead in the sweetest way.

"I just decided that maybe it was time to take some of your advice to heart Lily," he whispers to me, his minty breath softly brushing my skin when he breathes, "My way hadn't worked at all for 5 years. I decided to grow up and show you who I really was. I decided to become your friend, before anything more. But then it seemed to me like it wasn't going to happen, and I just had to accept the fact that you would never feel the same way. So I decided to try and get over you,"

My eyes widen slightly. I wonder if he had managed.

"I started going out with other girls on proper dates," he said and then smiled, "and an occasional snog-fest," I raised an eye-brow, "but only when I saw you happy with another guy on a date. But it never worked. It never had. None of them match up to you Lily. None of the redheads' hair is quite the same beautiful colour as yours. None of them have green eyes like yours," my heart is soaring.

"And none of them," he continued, grinning slightly, "I repeat. None of those girls," he pauses and looks straight into my eyes and smiles as he brings me even closer, "none of them have 19 freckles on their face."

He kisses my nose.

I break out into a huge smile then, as a few more tears fall down my face. James sweetly kisses them away. He likes my freckles.

Our foreheads are together and our eyes are closed as we feel each other's presence.

"I never stopped loving you," he opens his eyes and whispers before leaning in and kissing me again.

I never thought it possible but he strikes high each of the three times he's kissed me. I feel like I can fly for years and centuries with him, with just one kiss. I feel like I'm floating. I feel fulfilled.

I waste no time. Soon my arms are snaking up his muscular chest. One wraps around his neck and combs through his hair while the other strokes his face, neck and collarbone. I'm kissing James Potter without any guilt.

After a satisfying amount of time we pull away and look into each other's eyes smiling. No words of what we feel need to be said. We know.

"Wow," he whispers as he brushes his lips on mine again for a split second, "that was better that Christmas."

I laugh silently and nod, returning the brushing of lips.

"You know Lily," he says thoughtfully as he pulls me into his chest and into a warm loving hug, "I'll always be thankful for that mistletoe. That's when I first saw that spark in your eyes. And for the first time I knew it was for me."

I smiles into his lovely scented shirt and murmur something.

"Hmm?" he asks, not quite hearting.

Here comes another.

"James?" I say looking up to him.

"Hmm?"

"That mistletoe was placed there by me an hour before our party," I say giving him a sheepish grin, "It was one of methods of testing my feelings. Sirius was more that happy to oblige."

He looks down at me slightly surprised and then laughs.

"Love you Lily," he said before kissing me again.

See…told you I couldn't keep a secret!

* * *

Well I hoped you liked it! It's just a random thought that came into my head. Please review. I'd like to know if you found it sweet. 


End file.
